Garden Space Thoughts

Emotions Are Not the Enemy

Fri, 09 Jan 2026 16:21:30 GMT

Understanding the Purpose of Our Core Feelings

“Most of us think of ourselves as thinking creatures that feel, but we are actually feeling creatures that think.”

~ Jill Bolte Taylor, My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist's Personal Journey

Emotions are the first and arguably most important tools we have.

They’re information and language that so many of us haven’t been brought up knowing how to interpret or speak. In fact, it’s not unlikely that you’ve been specifically conditioned to avoid a lot (most?) of your emotional experience and to stifle your emotional expression. Instead of teaching us how to manage and express our emotions, the culture I grew up in (United States, Texas, white, middle class, etc.) tends to villainize emotional parts of ourselves because they can be uncomfortable, messy, misinterpreted, and misused. But emotions don’t go away. We don’t have that kind of power. Instead, they build up, mutate, leak out sideways, implode, or explode, feeding back into the unfortunate narrative that they are bad… and that we, by extension, are also bad for having them. To be frank, that sucks.

All of our emotions are purposeful and critically important, so I'm here to give you an outline of their purpose. With that said, this is not a deep dive. How to interpret, utilize, and express emotions is a whole other level of processing with a lot more nuance. And now, it's time to get all Inside Out on you all with an emotional primer.

Anger is the alarm that motivates us to fight for or against something. When you’re acting on your anger, what are you fighting for? Is your fight style working to invite what you want?

Disgust and pain inform us to avoid things that can hurt us or make us sick, both morally and physically. If something hurts or you’re disgusted, get curious about that feeling.

Fear is our anticipation of or response to a perception of danger. It advises caution, and, by the way, there’s no such thing as courage without it.

"Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway.

Stupidity is the same.

And that's why life is hard."

I love this statement by Dr. Jeremy Goldberg because it makes me laugh and nod my head, AND because it underscores our lack of skill in interpreting and speaking the language of emotion that’s innate to our existence. That’s not to say we’ll always get the outcomes we want when we get more fluent in our first language, but things can start to make more sense.

Joy and pleasure are rebellion when the world is screaming to take cover, hide, conform. Joy and pleasure are motivation and meaning. They are the life force.

Sadness is grief and connection. It speaks for what we care about, what’s important, what hurts, and the human need to be seen and comforted.

Surprise grabs our attention, pulls us from habituation and complacency and reorients us to what might need attention.

My point is this: While imperfectly calibrated at this point in our evolution, emotions are still the oldest, most deeply human guidance system we have. Sure, they aren’t always accurate reflections of what may actually, factually be happening right at the moment we feel them, but we can count on them to reliably reflect perception, history, and meaning. Feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, are not an enemy or a problem to solve. They're an integral part of our humanness. Accepting their existence doesn’t mean letting them drive the bus, dictate absolute truth, or behave with unbridled, weaponized expression under the pretext of “honesty.” It means self and relational awareness, and developing a working relationship with emotions from a place of curiosity, compassion, and responsibility to both ourselves and others. In doing so, we’re better equipped to make choices that align with our values, care for our relationships and community, and tend to ourselves with less shame, uncertainty, and chaos, and more responsibility, clarity, and relational empowerment.

If this resonates,

Hi, human.

Learning to work with emotions is a process and a skill, not a character trait, and therapy is one support option when you're ready. It can offer structured, compassionate support for understanding emotional patterns, cultivating values-oriented regulation*, and creating more clarity and connection in your relationships. If you’re curious about support, I'd love to be of service .

P.S. "Regulation" and "regulated" don't invariably mean cool, calm, and collected. It just means your emotions and their expression are congruent with the circumstances. Regulation means we have a matching pair or a coordinated set.

You, Your Parter, & Your Partner's Porn

Fri, 26 Dec 2025 21:54:02 GMT

Porn in Relationships: How to Navigate Conflict, Trust, and Intimacy

Like so many articles about human worries, I’ll say this right off the bat: You’re not alone.

Not only are you not alone in the context of modern relationships, but centuries ( 1 , 2 ) of historical hearts also go out to you as you try to make sense of the impact of sexually explicit materials. For a lot of people, it’s a charged topic giving off sparks that threaten safety, trust, confidence, and shared values and morals.

If porn is a point of conflict in your relationship, this post is here to help you do two things:

Make sense of what’s happening without shame or panic.
Take practical steps toward clarity, repair, and alignment with yourself as well as with your partner.

This post is not here, however, to tell you what to believe or whether pornography is a "bad" thing or a "good" thing. There are plenty of other venues for that debate. This post is about getting accurate information and strategies to help you develop a shared understanding, communicate about it, and decide what’s healthy for your relationship.

Here’s an important truth: It’s rarely just about porn.

Some recent studies have suggested that about 1 in 5 couples name pornography as a point of contention in their relationship, but pornography doesn’t tend to become a relationship crisis simply because it exists. At least one other study has indicated that " satisfaction measures tended to be highest among couples in which both partners either used pornography at a high frequency or did not use pornography at all. (3) ”

Simply put, relational distress depends on the context in which porn use happens.

Relational ruptures where porn is involved tend to include secrecy, shame, fear, relational disconnection, porn as a coping mechanism, values mismatch and moral distress.

Secrecy, like hidden accounts, minimizing, or deflecting. Importantly, couples often differ in their perception of secrecy vs privacy, and relational agreements are frequently assumed rather than explicitly determined.

Values mismatch and moral distress, such as different moral beliefs about porn, sexuality, faith, or consent and exploitation.

Shame and fear. The user may be labeled by themself and/or their partner as “bad” or “broken” or "sick." The partner of the pornography user might worry that they are “not enough” or that they're undesirable because they don’t match what they know their partner watches.

Disconnection from each other, stemming from stress, parenting, resentment, loneliness, unresolved conflict, desire discrepancy, performance anxiety, body shame, and more can create vulnerability to using porn more often and/or to feeling more threatened by its use.

Coping. Using pornography and masturbation to escape, self-soothe, or avoid emotions is common, especially when other coping mechanisms are undeveloped or emotional discomfort has been internalized as intolerable.

When I work with partners struggling with pornography tension, we get to the heart of the rupture, develop effective communication, and invite both accountability and compassion in service to a resilient, trusting, and connected relationship. My aim is to help them shift from fear, secrecy, and reactivity to clarity, communication, and collaborative agreements with follow through.

Let’s clarify a couple of common beliefs that can create fear and get in the way of connection.

Porn is always violent, degrading, or abusive.

Reality: Harmful, exploitative content exists. It’s important to name and acknowledge that. And, so does ethical, consensual content. Studios and creators who emphasize consent, clear contracts, fair pay, and performer agency are on the rise. What matters is not just the existence of porn, but whether it’s aligned with consent, values, and relational agreements. Bonus Link: Myths About Paying for Porn, Facts, & Content Vetting

Porn is addictive.

Reality 1: When people describe themselves as “addicted,” it's about distress, not a medical diagnosis. It's shorthand for feelings like shame, loss of control, fear, or conflict in a relationship. The concern deserves to be taken seriously, and it also needs to be explored in the context of the user's life experience and belief systems.

Reality 2: To date, the accumulation of neuroscience evidence does not support pornography as an addiction because researchers haven’t been able to clearly tease correlational factors apart in a way that indicates unquestionable reliability and validity to addiction claims. That's a mouthful, isn't it? What I'm saying is, problematic use can look like addiction, but the bulk of research shows a relationship between porn and problems, not cause and effect.

Porn inevitably destroys intimacy.

Reality 1: Porn does not automatically replace partnered sex or intimacy. What predicts harm more consistently is secrecy, shame, and disconnection, not porn itself. It’s common for couples who talk about it openly (without rigid defenses) to report less harm, and sometimes even improved communication and intimacy.

Reality 2: Desire and intimacy are influenced by stress, mental health, resentment and disconnecting relational cycles, fatigue, pressure, and emotional safety. Generally, exploring and understanding the broader context around intimacy and porn use is fundamental for reconnection.

Reality 3: Porn is entertainment. It’s produced, edited, and literally performative fantasy by design. Without media literacy and self-acceptance, porn can absolutely contribute to unrealistic expectations that can get in the way of intimacy, but not inevitably. Fantasy also isn’t always or necessarily meant to translate into real life. People frequently enjoy fantasizing, but making it happen in real life is a whole other topic.

*If after all this, you realize you either have a partner or ARE a partner who holds deep, unyielding resentment about someone failing to look, sound, or behave like a performer on a screen– whether it’s mainstream media or porn– that perspective invites some serious unpacking, and likely a difficult decision about what kind of person you want to be with and what kind of person you want to be.

If pornography is part of a rupture in your relationship, start with these foundations to help you repair.

Choose a regulated time.

Just like going to work, running a marathon, or taking on any other high-intensity, high-energy task, make sure you are as rested and nourished as possible, and try to limit distractions and ensure you have plenty of time. To the best of your ability, pick a moment you are both more likely to stay present and open, and take breaks as needed.

Lead with the real, vulnerable feeling
“I feel unsafe when I don’t know what’s true.”
“I feel rejected and compare myself.”
“I feel ashamed and scared you’ll judge me.”
Clarify definitions
What counts as porn?
What counts as secrecy?
What feels like betrayal?
What boundaries feel respectful vs controlling?

Understand the injury.

Problems with porn are often a symptom of something deeper: stress, disconnection, anxiety, shame, loneliness, fear of intimacy, performance pressure, or unresolved conflict. Understanding the actual injury related to pornography is the first step to healing it, and there are three general categories: Relational Distress, Moral Distress, and Behavioral Distress. This is important because mislabeling the problem can lead to ineffective interventions and “solutions,” which, all too often, lead to even more shame and more conflict.

Explore what the problem with pornography is to each of you. Ask yourselves and each other:

Relational Distress: Is the primary wound about secrecy and betrayal, or feeling rejected or unwanted?
Moral Distress: Is it about values mismatch, sin, or exploitation?
Behavioral Distress: Is it about out of control behavior that interferes with daily life, relationships, or physical wellbeing?

Mislabeling relational conflict as exclusively moral distress or behavioral dysregulation risks dismissing the relational work that is necessary for relational healing.

Mislabeling moral distress as strictly dysregulation may ignore underlying beliefs and internal conflicts, regardless of a user's frequency, duration, or the logistical impact on their life. Fact: It’s common for people who use pornography LESS to actually experience MORE distress ( 4 ).

Mislabeling legitimate behavioral dysregulation as moral distress can leave functional impairment concerns unaddressed and escalating.

Create a collaborative agreement.

Healthy agreements include:

consent, shared values, and collaboration; never coercion
transparency expectations
privacy and device expectations
plans to repair if there’s a slip
compassion, accountability, and receptivity

When to get support

It may be time to work with a therapist if:

Secrecy or betrayal is ongoing or has created ongoing distress and distrust.
There’s an ongoing cycle of fights, shutdowns, hostility, and resentment.
Porn use feels compulsive or disruptive.
There’s trauma history, shame, or deep values conflict keeping you stuck.
Partnered sexual intimacy feels pressured, unsafe, or impossible.
A neutral third party is wanted or needed for structure and expertise.

With that said, you don’t have to wait for problems to fester or even surface for that matter. Proactive care and maintenance help couples identify and diffuse potential landmines, not to mention manage the fallout from the ones they still inevitably stumble over.

Pornography can be one of the most emotionally charged topics couples face. It sits at the intersection of sexuality, values, safety, identity, fidelity, honesty, and trust , so you’re not alone if it brings up big emotions.

Relational repair is possible.

If you want support navigating this in a compassionate, sex-positive, research-informed way, couples therapy with an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist ( like myself! ) can provide a structured space to rebuild safety and create a collaborative, values-aligned plan.

For clinicians and helping professionals.
If this topic resonates with your clinical work, I offer continuing education and professional consultation focused on ethical, sex-positive, relational care. You’re welcome to explore courses or reach out to learn more.

Rupture to Resilience: Affair Recovery, Healing, & Repair

Sat, 13 Dec 2025 16:00:27 GMT

Cheating. Cheater. Cheated. The truth is out like an earthquake just ripped your world apart.

Cheating. Cheater. Cheated. The truth is out like an earthquake just ripped your world apart. The trust you had in your partner, yourself, and the world is shattered, and the pain feels suffocating. There’s no shortage of well-intentioned opinions about what you should do, and they all just seem to make things worse. Not to sound too cliche, but there is a roadmap for these things. While sadly, you’re not the first relationship in which this has happened, that also means that researchers and therapists have ample opportunity to study affairs– why and how they happen along with what you can do about it.

John and Julie Gottman ( the Gottman Method ) as well as Sue Johnson ( EFT )– titans in the couples therapy world– each have their own model to address affairs; Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment according to the Gottmans, and the Attachment Injury Repair Model (AIRM) within the EFT framework. Of course, other great models stand on the shoulders of those giants: RLT follows a path that similarly begins with accountability and leads to rebuilding connection, PACT addresses affairs through a Redemptive Reset , the authors of Getting Past the Affair (Snyder, Baucom, & Gordon) draw from CBT, and Esther Perel centers understanding parallel narratives, transparency, and accountability. You are not alone, and you are not without empirically sound resources and guidance.

Affairs and affair recovery are complex experiences at the intersection of trust, identity, communication, and so much more. The discovery of infidelity ruptures the foundational sense of safety in a relationship , calling into question not only what happened, but what was believed, remembered, and relied upon. Both partners more often than not struggle to understand how to navigate the emotional terrain that follows; one stuck in hypervigilance, and the other stuck in avoidance or wishing they could "just get past it.”

Simultaneously, along with the relational rupture of trust, infidelity can destabilize each partner’s sense of themself . For the injured partner, it can create profound doubt about their worth, their intuition, and the story they believed they were living. For the participating partner, the affair may be something they never imagined they’d do, or it could be an indication of an internal split with disowned parts of the self, generational patterns of infidelity, a reflection of unmet needs, an attempt to escape parts of themself or their life, or some other underlying aspect of their experience.

To be abundantly clear, none of these factors justify or excuse an affair.

Rather, acknowledging and exploring the mechanics of infidelity with accountability, appropriate remorse, and understanding is part of the healing process within a relational system.

For both partners, these identity shifts, splits, and discoveries can be disorienting and, if relational healing is to happen, require careful exploration rather than oversimplification or an automatic default into perpetual negative sentiment override . Don’t get me wrong, negative sentiments make perfect sense in the context of affair disclosure or discovery; getting stuck there simply means the relationship, too, gets stuck in a wounded state.

To heal after an affair, effective communication becomes both essential and even more outrageously difficult than it may or may not have been prior to this traumatic event . Partners may swing between silent withdrawal and interrogation, shutdown and overwhelm, or longing and anger. Without structure and nervous system regulation, conversation attempts can exacerbate the injury rather than support healing. Skillful, vulnerable (likely guided, at least in the beginning) communication is crucial for unpacking meaning, clarifying truths, and making space for the onslaught of emotions on both sides.

Esther Perel has said, “Most of us will have 4-5 different marriages in our lifetime. Hopefully most of them are to the same person.”

This work is not about erasing or ignoring what happened. It’s about telling the truth, exploring vulnerability, making sense of the rupture together, and ultimately choosing how to move forward with greater intention and clarity. For some, a new and more resilient and more intimate relationship will be created and nurtured, using salvageable parts from the wreckage integrated into the build along with new, enhancing, features. For others, a decision may be made that the relationship has been totaled, and there’s scaffolding for that process too.

Affair recovery is a complex therapeutic process, and it’s also a structured one that can provide a compass in the chaos. Decades of research, clinical models, and experience show that when couples are guided through stabilization, understanding, accountability, and reconnection, the relationship can shift out of crisis and into meaningful repair. And, that healing takes time, understanding, care, skillful support, and a tremendous emotional investment on all sides. While there's no easy button, for couples willing to engage in the process with openness and courage, affair recovery becomes an opportunity to build something new, better, and stronger. Great ruptures met with even greater repair are foundations for the greatest resilience.

Need help?

 Affair Recovery Intensives offer a focused, accelerated way to heal after infidelity , rebuild trust, transform painful relational patterns, and support the standard session therapy couples may already be doing. For couples facing betrayal trauma, crisis, or disconnection, intensives provide the structure, clarity, and deep relational work needed to move forward.

Additionally, the last couple of years I have posted book recommendations in December. Here are a few recommendations specifically for this topic, this year:

Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On--Together or Apart by Douglass K. Snyder, Kristina Coop Gordon, and Donald H. Baucom

Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship by KC Davis

Us by Terry Real

The State of Affairs by Esther Perel

Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas

Sex Positivity & the Six Principles of Sexual Health

Thu, 23 Oct 2025 21:26:37 GMT

What Is Sexual Health, Really?

1. Consent

Consent isn’t just the absence of a ‘no’. It’s the presence of enthusiastic, informed agreement at every stage of interaction. It’s communicated in shared, mutually understood language– both verbal and non-verbal. When in doubt, slow down and clarify. And, y’all… seriously… consent conversations aren’t just protective. When approached with confidence and vulnerability, they can be incredibly intimate, fun, and sensual. Open communication becomes part of the pleasure, not a pause button on it.

Click here to explore some consent conversation prompts, games, and activities.

2. Non-Exploitation

Sex should never involve any kind of nonconsensual physical force or emotional pressure, guilt, manipulation, or taking advantage of someone’s trust or vulnerability– either subtle or overt. Exploitation is anywhere full consent is absent– individually and systemically. In addition to the nevers already mentioned, this includes exploiting trust by breaking agreements, having affairs, lying, withholding relevant information, and consuming exploitative sexual content or pursuing exploited sexual labor*. Real intimacy grows from respect, trust, and choice, not fear, obligation, or control. When everyone feels safe to express what they want—and don’t want—sexuality becomes a space of freedom and authentic desire, not fear.

*Trustworthy markers of ethical pornography production as well as consensual sex work include evidence of all 6 sexual health principles. This may include consent, performer safety and well-being, fair labor and compensation (yes, pay for your porn), diversity and representation, transparency, respect, performer agency and autonomy, and more. Ethical porn prioritizes people over profit and pleasure with performance, and sex work is consensual, chosen work, distinct from exploitation/trafficking.

3. Honesty

Honesty starts with self-awareness: What do I want? What feels right for me? What does sex mean for me? What are my sexual values ?

In partnered sex, it’s paired with other-awareness: What do they want? What is relevant for them to know about me? What is relevant for me to know about them? Is this a safe enough dynamic to share vulnerable pieces of myself? Am I a safe person for their vulnerability?

If it’s not a safe enough dynamic to share your intimate desires, that’s good information. To cultivate an authentic and expansive sexual relationship– solo or partnered, casual or long-term– we’re tasked with owning our desires, relevant history, agreements, and risks. If it’s not safe to be vulnerable, a key element of sexual health is missing. Honest dynamics, consent, and non-exploitation intersect to create a robust foundation for sexual pleasure, intimacy, empowered identity, health and wellness.

It’s in this domain that the “body-count” question tends to come up. Before you ask your partner, I want you to ask yourself what you actually want to know. What would any given number mean to you? What really matters?

More often than not, when we ask about body count, we’re actually looking for:

Values congruence
Sexual health risks
Emotional risks
Testing openness or honesty
Reassurance that we matter or that we’re going to measure up

When you get clear on what you actually want to know, is it really the number? Could that question actually be a barrier to genuine connection? What else could you ask or share to inspire a meaningful dialogue? Here are some options:

To invite a conversation about values congruence:

What does sex mean to you in a relationship?
What helps sex feel meaningful or connected for you?
How do you usually decide when you want to be sexual with someone?
What role does emotional connection play in sex for you?
How do you feel about monogamy, openness, or exploring with a partner?
How do you feel about casual sex?
What feels like integrity to you when it comes to sexual relationships?

To invite a conversation about sexual health:

Do you have a regular testing routine or preference for safer sex practices?
What kinds of safer sex methods feel best for you — condoms, barriers, testing together?
Would you want to get tested together?

To invite a conversation about emotional risks:

How do you like to build trust before getting physical?
What kind of connection are you looking for right now?

To invite a conversation about openness or honesty:

Is it easy or hard for you to talk about sex and desire?
What kind of transparency feels important to you about past experiences?
What does honesty look like to you when it comes to sex?

To invite reassurance:

Sometimes I get in my head wondering if I measure up — could you tell me what feels special about us?
Sometimes I end up comparing myself, but I’d rather ask directly — what feels different or meaningful about what we have?
Can I be honest? I think I’m needing a little reassurance that I matter to you.
I know this might sound vulnerable, but what makes you choose me — not just physically, but emotionally?
What do you notice in me that feels different from your past connections?
I really like being close to you. Do you feel that way too?
I notice I get a little insecure sometimes — could I ask for some reassurance when that happens?
Can I tell you what I love most about being with you — and then you tell me what you love about me?

I invite you to retire the historically loaded body-count question in favor of more authentically and vulnerably asking about, expressing, and discussing the domains that question tends to represent. It’s more honest that way, and while compassionate honesty isn’t always easy, it’s always liberating, which brings us to…

4. Shared Values

All cultures– micro (just you and your partner) and macro (the broader context in which you live)– have varying standards around when, how, under what circumstances, and what kind of sexual expression is considered ok.

Healthy sex isn’t just about chemistry — it’s about alignment with your personal values, respect for the autonomy of others, and shared meaning. Whether that’s monogamy or CNM, casual sex, emotional connection, exploration, timing, meaning, simply accepting different preferences or tastes, every person and relationship has a right to define what sex and intimacy mean to them. Shared values and understanding cultivate fairness, safety, and security.

And, if you discover you’re out of alignment with your partner, wonderful! I know that’s weird to say, but bear with me. It’s arguably better to know sooner rather than later, and you have options.

1. There’s a saying in the sex therapy community, which is that we don’t Yuck someone else’s grown up, consensual Yum. We don’t have to like it. We definitely don’t have to participate in it. We are simply tasked with checking our negativity at the door.*

2. You can further explore, getting to know one another with curiosity and understanding, and negotiate your dynamics perhaps using the Gottman’s Dreams Within exercise, the Art of Compromise , and/or Midori’s steps for erotic negotiation .

3. Or, you can thank them for telling you and respectfully, compassionately discuss a de-escalation of the relationship expectations to free each of you up to pursue dynamics that are more aligned with authentic needs, wants, and wishes. If there really is a full deal breaker, while it stings, it’s generally better to know sooner rather than later. Relationships have enough unknown landmines that sneak up on people. We don’t need to plant even more.

*I’m compelled to plug here that if your yum is one that is inherently exploitative, it is imperative that you seek specialized support.

5. Protection & Prevention

6. Pleasure

And, last on this list because it sits on a foundation of all the other principles, pleasure is central to not just sexual health, but overall health. It isn’t optional—it’s essential. Sex educator and author Emily Nagoski says it best: “Pleasure is the measure.” It’s not about performance, perfection, or even orgasm; it’s about connection, presence, and play. The measure of good sex is fundamentally the right to experience pleasure, which is an ethical good in itself, affirming sexuality as a life-enhancing force. Pleasure is the thing in life that motivates, inspires, and fulfills. And, if erotic touch isn’t pleasurable for you in any way, fashion, or form, that’s ok too! Pleasure can also be cuddling, self-touch, dancing, laughing, playing cards, reading a book, reclining on the couch with your favorite ice cream, watching Netflix, or any number of other things. You determine what feels good and fulfilling. When pleasure is mindful and shame-free, it becomes a source of individual and relational vitality and well-being. What that pleasure looks and feels like, however, can be as unique as a fingerprint.

The Nitty Gritty

Sexual health and sex positivity aren’t just about avoiding harm. It’s about connection, honesty, and joy, and when we bring curiosity instead of shame, respect instead of fear, and autonomy instead of obligation, sex becomes what it was always meant to be: a source of vitality, intimacy, and expansion into authenticity and fulfillment.

Ready to explore your own sexual well-being? Reach out!

Therapy Vs Life Coaching

svanfossenlpc@gmail.com (Stephanie Van Fossen) — Sun, 09 Feb 2025 16:26:24 GMT

Let's clear some things up.

What about similarities?

As emphasized and re-emphasized previously, there are no standardized qualifications for coaches or their practices, so I can only speak for the parallels between my own coaching and therapy practices here.

Both my coaching and clinical practices are client centered, non-judgmental, and compassionate.

In both practices, I encourage reflection, understanding, accountability, empowerment, and positive change.

In both practices, we can focus on problem solving, including navigation of competing values and priorities.

In both practices, I facilitate focus, clarity, direction.

In both practices, I support identification of strengths and resources.

All in all, my take on it is this: Coaching with me is about being accountable to your relational goals, and healing emotional distress can be a ripple effect of that work; if the emotional distress is getting in the way of our coaching work, I'll refer you to a therapist. Therapy with me is about centering and working through that emotional distress; achieving your goals is the ripple effect, and you may or may not want a referral to a coach. To me, the difference can be pretty nuanced. Whether you are looking for coaching or therapy, finding a qualified therapist is arguably a lot easier, as their education and credentials are front and center requirements. You at least have a baseline idea of the skills and experience of every single therapist, and even then it can be difficult to find someone that feels like a good fit for you as an individual. Finding a coach that suits your vibe, goals, and expectations, and also stays in their lane, knowing and being accountable to the limitations of their knowledge and expertise, might be more of a needle in a haystack situation. Perhaps those of us with licensure and practicing in both domains are that proverbial needle.

10 Books for Guys and the People Who Love Them

svanfossenlpc@gmail.com (Stephanie Van Fossen) — Thu, 26 Dec 2024 23:43:47 GMT

A reading list for introspection, insight, and relational action in 2025

This entry goes out mostly to the cishet guys, if for no other reason than the overwhelming book options in the current day and age still lean very cisheteronormative. With that said, I’m going to get a little more expansive: This entry is for anyone who has ever had a penis or loved someone with one; take what resonates, apply it to your life, and leave the rest. If you're interested in the books that didn't make the cut for this blog, feel free to check out this list where I've logged every book that I've read or listened to since 2023 that is applicable to my job as a therapist in any way.

*These books can be found through probably any retailer, but each hyperlink is to Black Pearl Books. While Garden Space Counseling is not affiliated with this bookstore, I appreciate and want to support their existence. "Black Pearl Books is a black-woman-owned independent bookstore in Austin, TX. We are a family-run business whose mission is to promote - diversity, inclusion, and representation - through literature."

1. I Don't Want to Talk About It : Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real

I read the hard copy of this one years ago, and thought it was good… but it landed as a little woo-woo for me at the time; I wasn’t confident that it would resonate with men, but bear with me. I’ve come to realize a couple of things. One is that I also had my own unfair and limiting beliefs about men to unpack. Another is an understanding of the actual neuroscience underlying the way Real works. Re-reading it at this point in my career, with my growing understanding of neuroscience and my life in community with, as well as observation of, our cultural dynamics around masculinity, I find it resonates deeply. Real writes from a lens of candor and compassion (arguably my favorite combination from which to address the human condition), describing the ancestral legacy of male depression, common variations in how it may manifest both psychologically and behaviorally, and strategies to approach it.

2. The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks

At the intersection of sex, gender, race, and class, Hooks outlines the impact of patriarchy on men. She underscores feminism as not a blunt force with which to bludgeon men and glorify women, but an ideological tool to free everyone from the constraints placed on them. Our collective socialization as men/women limits our ability to connect, at best, and pits us against each other, at worst. Let’s release the pressure valve on that conditioning and cultivate a masculinity that embodies reflection, flexibility, genuine confidence, and strength.

3. The Penis Book : A Doctor's Complete Guide to the Penis--From Size to Function and Everything in Between by Aaron Spitz MD

This book is as fun to listen to as it is informative (I'm sure it would be the same as a hard copy or Kindle copy too). Know your body! It has plenty of puns and euphemisms, addresses sexual and non-sexual mechanics, dispels myths, talks about how to keep your member happy and healthy, and how to address concerns when Mr. Johnson is not so happy and healthy. However, I do have a couple of gripes. 1. While there is certainly something to be said for taking holistic care of our body, and his recommendations to pack your diet with produce is valid, Spitz seems to lean fat-shaming with dismissive comments like "put down the fork." 2. While Dr. Spitz gives a token nod to the controversy in the sex therapy community about whether or not pornography use is all bad and can be labeled an addiction, to me it's pretty clear he lands on the side of All-Bad. There are other experts in the field who take issue with the demonization of pornography. They believe studies about the neurological and physiological impacts are overblown and biased, and they take a more nuanced approach to addressing people's concerns around using it. Maybe one of these days I'll get around to doing a more thorough literature review (I have a bunch of scholarly articles pulled up right now that I've skimmed to write this little piece), but for now, I simply invite you to take that part with a grain of salt and consider your individual relationship with porn. In fact, here's another book on this year's list! Ethical Porn for Dicks by Dr. David Ley, PhD.

4. Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man's Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure by David Ley, PhD

Whether you’re anti-pornography or pro-porn, it is highly unlikely that it’s going anywhere anytime soon. Can it be used problematically? Yup. Is all porn use problematic? According to Ley and other experts, nope. So, he staunchly advocates for porn literacy, taking the topic out of the dark, and inviting people to think critically about both its production and use.

5. DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History and Science of Masturbation by Dr. Eric Sprankle

Piggy backing off of Ethical Porn for Dicks seems like an appropriate placement for a book about masturbation. Informative, well-researched, and with plenty of snarky humor (arguably offensive in some domains; I would not recommend this book to my mother), this was an incredibly fun read!

6. She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner

Like perhaps all the books on this list, while She Comes First is overtly written for cis het guys, it's filled with gems for anyone navigating the wonders and joys of pleasuring a person with a vulva. Let's close that orgasm gap! Reported differences in orgasms between men and women range from 25%- 52% according to National Institutes of Health, but, here's a fun fact: People with vulvas in long term relationships are more likely to experience orgasm, and vulva-owners in relationships with other vulva-owners are also far more likely to experience consistent orgasms. Women’s pleasure isn't as elusive as we've been largely led to believe. Of course, I have a separate soapbox that making the O the entire goal of a sexual encounter (instead of pleasure) is tragically limited and sets people up for disappointment, but I'll save that for another day.

Anyhoo, closing the O gap: Giving partners, it's not your job to mind-read or know exactly what to do without instruction; every human is different. It is your job to be generally informed (this book is a great start!) and enthusiastically receptive to guidance. Receiving partners, it is your job to also be informed about your own body and what makes you feel good; communicate, don't fake! All partners, it's your shared task to explore and play collaboratively. You are responsible for your own orgasm and pleasure, and your partner gets to be a part of it according to your communication and consent. Think of it like the old Home Depot slogan (2003-2009, if you’re wondering): You can do it. We (your partner) can help.

7. Setting Boundaries That Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered by Juliane Taylor Shore

In case you hadn’t noticed, the first half of this list was more about your relationship with yourself, as an individual. "To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom." Some old Greek dude named Socrates is credited with having said that a zillion years ago. The second half leans into relationship dynamics with others in general, partners in particular, with self-awareness as a foundation. Whether you claim to like and enjoy people or not, we, as humans, are designed for connection and community. How to effectively navigate relational living, however, can be really f*cking hard.

Last year’s inaugural book list included The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin and Robyn Dalzen, and I’m putting this link here because I almost included it again. Instead, this year’s book recommendation with the same intention around trust and confidence gets explored in a different but related way, through a boundaries lens.

Not to name-drop (ok, I’m totally name-dropping), but Juliane Taylor Shore used to be my neighbor. I met her at the neighborhood park where we were both supervising our toddlers, and we shared that we were not only both mothers of toddlers, but therapists. While we never became more than friendly acquaintances, little did I realize that I would be fangirling over the way her mind works in the years to come when I shifted from over a decade of diagnostic and resource-oriented agency work into the process and insight-heavy world of private practice. She has a uniquely thorough understanding of the way our brains work that is rare in the therapeutic world, and a relatable way of sharing her knowledge and experience that allows a reader to feel confident in applying both her insights and the steps she outlines. Oh, and you can also listen to her podcast, " Why Does My Partner ?” for smaller doses of relational insights discussed with two other therapists, Rebecca Wong and Vickey Easa.

8. Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship by Terrence Real

I think this is my new favorite couples book, with Real’s signature balance of candor and compassion. He says it himself, he’s not one to bullshit, with his frank style of communication allowing the clients he describes as well as the reader a kind and clear opportunity for reflection and change. When couples get stuck in cycles, whether resentful avoidance, angry pursuit, ashamed withdrawal, or any other form disconnected dynamics can take, Real guides people back to their hearts. He helps people identify the origins of their “losing strategies” in relationships and offers new ways to engage relationally, with accountability, compassion, and support toward yourself and your partner.

9. Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski

Last year’s list included Come As You Are, written with women as readers in mind, and Come Together is a natural progression from that book, now focusing on orienting to intimacy and sexual dynamics in long term relationships, with an emphasis on the limiting patriarchal ideology we tend to be steeped in. Limerence, commonly known as New Relationship Energy (NRE) is that high period in the beginning of most relationships, when everything feels so “right” with all the butterflies and excitement and sexual chemistry and emotional intensity that we’re taught to associate with falling in love. Duration of this period varies greatly, but it can last up to four years according to some studies. This book explores what to do when the NRE ends and the coals of your shared eroticism have been buried under routine, piles of laundry, assumptions, and even resentments. I appreciate her approachable style as she offers an abundance of helpful insights and strategies to center pleasure in a way that is meaningful for your relationship(s).

10. Conscious Uncoupling: 5 Steps to Living Happily Even After by Katherine Woodward Thomas

When I jotted my notes about this book, I promised myself that if I made a list of 10 top books to recommend again this year, this one would "definitely be on it." So here we are, the last of your 10 books to read in 2025. To state the obvious, relationships don't always work out. To state the perhaps not-so-obvious, there's no shame in that; a lot of pain, sure, but not shame. There is as much wisdom in doing the hard work to let go of a relationship that doesn't work as there is in doing the hard work to hold onto a relationship that does; knowing the difference can be ridiculously difficult. Whether you're navigating a separation, divorce, or breakup... or you've been through one in the past... or you're dating... or you're in the process of making a long term relationship work... or you're just curious and proactive this book has a lot for you. I'm actually reminded of another book, Tuesdays with Morrie , that can be summed up with a quote from it, "You don't know how to live until you learn how to die." If we can stay connected to our values, compassion, and accountability through a breakup, we set ourselves up to enter into relationships far more mindfully, confident, and empowered. Maybe, we don't know how to nurture a relationship until we know how to let one go.

Garden Space Recommends

Sun, 31 Dec 2023 23:04:43 GMT

10 books to pick up in 2024

I didn’t exactly have a goal to read 50 books this year, but I’m pretty stoked that I did it, thanks to a mishmash of audiobooks, Kindle, and hard copies. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I love what I get to do for a living, so my fun reading inevitably overlaps with my professional reading, so yes, I am definitely that person reading about sex, therapy, and sex therapy in planes, trains, and automobiles. Although, while I did read, I slacked on writing. Maybe for 2024 I’ll keep up with summaries instead of waiting until the end of the year, then racking my brain to accurately summarize what I read. It’s tempting to just post the titles with thumbs up or heart emojis, but I honestly don’t tend to finish books that aren’t engaging, informative, or entertaining in at least some capacity. So, if you’re interested in the full thumbs (at least partially) up 2023 reading list in addition to this mini list, here’s a link . And, without further ado, in alphabetical order according to title, here are your 10 recommendations from the past year!

All About Love by Bell Hooks
I've heard about Bell Books for years, and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that it took me this long to finally get around to diving into some of her work. This was one of those books that I could've highlighted good chunks of just about every page. Her writing is as existentially wise as it is humble, offering insights from her own experiences alongside the larger socio-cultural lens.

Come As You Are: Revised and Updated: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Nagoski, Emily, Simon & Schuster
While this book is geared toward people with vulvas, I highly recommend this book for anyone wanting a better understand of sex, intimacy, and desire. Have a vulva and want to understand yourself (and probably others better)? Read this book. Have a penis and want to understand your vulva-owning partner (and very likely yourself!) a little better? Read this book. Nagoski gives us a rundown of basic anatomy, and offers approachable, accessible, digestible information that empowers people to understand and work with their own arousal system caught up in the larger context of life as we know it.

Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships by Lauren Fogel Mersy and Jennifer A. Vencill
This book combines solid insights from various resources, including Come As You Are, to offer, as the title indicates, an inclusive guide for readers. Unlike Come As You Are, for which vulva owners are the clear target audience, Desire speaks to a much broader population to unpack the intersection domains of desire and libido, sexual anxiety, and cultural messages around sex and intimacy.

Gender Queer: A Memoir by Maia Kobabe
A memoir written in the form of a graphic novel, Kobabe expresses and explains (and literally illustrates!) eir life of nonbinary gender identity and asexuality with a touching and powerful vulnerability. It's a quick read, and one I highly recommend for anyone seeking a better, more expansive understanding of gender (primarily) and sexuality (secondarily).

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson
This book masterfully illustrates the patterns in which we can easily find ourselves feeling stuck and hopeless with our partner, and offers insights and tools for renewed intimacy and bonding. Hold Me Tight integrates attachment, family systems, and experiential lenses to understand ourselves and each other and help create more effective communication and connection.

How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing by KC Davis LPC
This is a great read or listen for anyone who struggles to any degree with beliefs around "laziness" and guilt or shame around not getting things done. Better yet, it's applicability can go beyond just keeping house and into other life goals and expectations of self.

Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make-- and Keep-- Friends by Marisa G. Franco PhD
It's hard to find and keep community as an adult. When we're kids, we have all kinds of structures in place for us and expectations that we don't necessarily get as adults--at least, not quite so naturally. So, how do we do it? How do we make friends? How do we keep friends? Who are we in relational dynamics? What are the characteristics of meaningful friendships? Meaningful partnerships? Platonic explores and outlines dynamics, beliefs, and expectations around social bonds, and offers not just insights, but actionable advice for cultivating meaningful relationships and community.

The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin and Robyn Dalzen
Like many of the books I read this year, life is busy so I listened to this one. As soon as it concluded, I ordered a hard copy and signed up for a 5 day professional training. In an era where we are all magnificently and powerfully charged with understanding and accountability around not just sex and intimacy, but all kinds of power dynamics, the relevance of this book cannot be understated. Awareness, boundaries, and accountability are power, and I'm here for it. I want this book discussed as part of health curriculums in high schools. I want this book studied in college intro courses. I want people to understand that it is only through No that Yes has any meaning, and that intentionality around the nuances of receiving and giving opens a space for confidently consensual and fulfilling human interaction.

Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life by Nan Wise
I remember pulling up to the office one day, smiling broadly and exclaiming to nobody in particular as I pulled into my parking space while listening to this book, "OH MY GOD, SAY IT AGAIN FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!" Of course, now, however many months later, I don't have a clue what I was so specifically excited about, but the enthusiasm I remember from this book definitely lands it in my top 10 for the year. What I do recall is Wise offered plenty of engaging insights into the barriers and inroads to experiencing an integral part of our humanity: pleasure.

The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity , and Mating In Captivity by Esther Perel
I said 10 books, so we'll call this entry a "twofer." Esther Perel is definitely one of those therapists over whom I would undoubtedly lose my cool and fangirl in her presence. I've said it to friends, family, and clients: I would love it if I could crawl around in her brain and absorb everything she knows, but alas, it doesn't work that way. So, I'll be keeping these two books somewhere in the rotation along with her podcasts. Infidelity is arguably one of the most difficult challenges any couple could face, and even stray thoughts have been enough to light a fire of concern under plenty of people. Through The State of Affairs, Perel illuminates not just the obvious how and why cheating happens, but also a spectrum of more nuanced historical and cultural perspectives, individual vulnerabilities, and relationship dynamics. She offers a unique opportunity to experience compassion on all sides along with an expectation of accountability throughout the healing process. Mating in Captivity is a go-to recommendation for long-term relationships (and those seeking them) to begin understanding why the erotic fires may cool off along with how to start cultivating a sustainable erotic dynamic.

Sex & Intimacy after Menopause

Thu, 19 Jan 2023 20:53:15 GMT

Quality of life includes pleasure and play at any age.

“The World Health Organization defines sexual health as a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity.”

-CDC Website

It's been a minute or two since I posted to this blog. My attention has been focused on presenting some webinars, one of which was none other than what you're reading about now! So, if you saw the webinar, here are many (not all) of my notes.

We’re going to start with a little bit of information and advocacy stuff. Another life ago–about 20 years– I was in massage school studying to be a Licensed Massage Therapist long before getting my master’s in counseling. That license lapsed about a decade ago, but I still carry with me a lot of what I learned. One of those things is the “pelvic clock.” If you’re not already familiar, it's an exercise involving rotation of the hips to help people develop core strength and movement to address low back and hip pain. We were advised that the elderly were seldom fans of this movement, sadly, because it reminded them of hopeless, long abandoned sexual feelings. At 20-something I was able to register this information academically and clinically. As I note my own aging and the aging around me, it hits more personally now. It makes me sad and angry that people are compelled to abandon this part of themselves.

According to recent Census Bureau estimates, there are over 50 million senior citizens in the U.S. That’s over 16% of the population that's 65 years old and up. AARP’s website reports there are almost 110 million people over 50. That's a lot of people for whom a big piece of their quality of life may slip through the cracks. We naturally may crave and have the capacity to enjoy sex and physical intimacy throughout our life– not just in our younger, more gravity-defying, juicier years.

“Positive and passionate romantic relationships are not only fulfilling at any age; they've been associated with real health benefits . These include lower stress levels, better healing after surgery, healthier behaviors, and even a longer lifespan. Intimacy has even been found to ward off depression . Physical affection has been linked to lower resting blood pressure and higher levels of oxytocin , a feel-good hormone.”

-National Council on Aging

According to a 2018 poll by University of Michigan Health, about two thirds of older adults are at least interested in sex, regardless of whether or not they're actually engaging in any kind of sexual behavior.

Compare that to the mere 17% of those same study respondents that actually talked to their doctor about it, and most of those few had to bring it up themselves… which tell us that the sexual potential and the intimacy needs of older folx are getting overlooked or dismissed (and don't get me started on the disparities for older AND younger folx in the sexual and gender minority). On the doc side, Seniors Lifestyle Magazine postulates that maybe it’s based on ill-advised assumptions by the doctor about who has sex in our culture and who doesn’t. Or maybe the doctors aren’t up to snuff when it comes to treating sexual concerns and goals for older folx. Maybe they assume the patient will bring it up if they need to. Maybe it gets swept aside for other issues that may or may not be more pressing. It could also be the cultural taboo around sex that keeps doctors and patients from bringing it up. Or it could be myths about it that patients have settled into believing (like sex is only for the young), or maybe they just don’t realize their sexual behaviors could be better, safer, and more fulfilling. So, it doesn’t get brought up, and it doesn’t just keep seniors from getting support in the sex and intimacy domain. It also puts seniors at risk for neglect of other underlying medical conditions – sudden loss of arousal could be related to things like heart disease, hypertension, high cholesterol, or diabetes.

I see no compelling justification for the omission of sex conversations in the doctor’s office. I see plenty of compelling reasons to advocate for them.

It normalizes and validates what is already normal.
It opens the door for myth-busting and education. Yes, old people like sex also, and yes, old people also benefit from safe sex information! (STI rates among the elderly have skyrocketed in recent years.)
It increases the chance of catching underlying and possible urgent medical issues.
It empowers older people to improve their quality of life, both physically and emotionally.

On that last note, imagine how much easier could it be for us, as we age, to stay connected with our capacity for sensuality and the related health, wellness, and quality of life that comes with it, if sex were validated and addressed by the systems in place around us. And let’s take those conversations and that education home with us. We can take it home for our own self care, and pleasure and we can take it home to share with our partners and lovers.

Just like in so many other domains, representation and acknowledgement matter.

With that in mind, as we pivot from advocacy to the experience of sex after menopause, I want to note that these are generalized numbers and concepts gleaned from research that is overwhelmingly based on the cisgender experience of menopause, but the perspective of gender variant folx should not be overlooked or excluded.

Let's address the common vocabulary. Ciswomen are the default, the assumed, when it comes to menopause, and all our quotes from the reading and research I found reflect the cisnormative world we live in, referring to "women." We won’t get deep into gender diversity today– check out the Gender Diversity in the Family System webinar from January 6, 2023 for that– but I do want to underscore that gender diversity is as old as the human race. So, while it may be relatively uncommon when we look at rates of occurrence in the general population, it is definitely a normal part of human existence.

There are about 1.3 million adults (0.5%) and about 300,000 youth ages 13 to 17 in the U.S. (1.4%) that identify as transgender, but gender diversity occurs throughout all ages, races, religions, ethnic, and cultural domains.

If you're cisgender, you might be asking yourself right now, what does this have to do with menopause? Transphobia, trans myths, and trans erasure on the systemic side, and gender dysphoria on the individual side have very real consequences for gender variant folx, including support (or lack thereof) when it comes to reproductive health, sexual health, and aging– exactly the intersecting domains we’re looking at.

A third of participants from the U.S. Transgender Survey reported at least one bad experience with a healthcare provider related to their gender identity. These experiences lead to not just subpar or denial of care, but also AVOIDANCE of care because of a realistic fear of not being treated in a professional, informed, or compassionate fashion.

Menopause doesn’t just affect ciswomen. Anyone who has at least one ovary, is not on masculinizing hormones, and reaches the age of menopause will feel its symptoms just like a cisgender woman, which can vary widely from person to person. Just like ciswomen, transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) people need clarity on all aspects of reproductive and hormonal health, but they are often left out of the conversation, so this blog is here to invite them in.

One of the very first things I try to do is use inclusive language. The quotes here lack that because of the systemic defaults already noted, but I’m going to do my best to stay mindful of it, using the word people in place of the literature’s use of the word “women.” If you catch me using exclusive language, I encourage you to shoot me a message point it out so I can fix it!

"The sexuality of older women is influenced by many factors, including general physical and mental well-being, quality of relationship, life situation, marriage status, menopausal status, education, social class, stressors, and self perception."

(Lochlainn and Kenny, 2013)

As you can see, there are a lot of overlapping domains when it comes to someone’s sex life after menopause.

Courtesy of Wichita’s Center for Women’s Health, a few quick myths that we’re going to dispel include:

Menopause ends your desire for sex.
Menopause ends sexual pleasure.
There’s no way to spice up your sex life after menopause.

As we’ll get into, desire can decrease as a result of menopause. That part is true. Like so many myths, this one is based on partial truth. Whether the decrease is for psychological or physical reasons or both depends on the person, but that’s not the end of the story. With the right support and insights, desire can be maintained and arousal tapped into.

It’s also true that physical changes to our bodies and the emotional responses to those changes can impact our ability to feel pleasure, but again, that’s not the end of the story either.

So, the first 2 myths are partly true but overstated; any Politifact fans? Not quite pants on fire, but still mostly false.

As for no way to spice up your sex life? That’s just pants-on-fire silly, and we’ll talk about that too.

A quick internet search for “why talk to partner about menopause” had a lot of really helpful results, and it also had big, bold recommended “similar search” results like:

“Can marriage survive menopause?”
“How do you deal with a menopausal wife?”
“My menopause wife hates me?”
“Can menopause cause a sexless marriage?”

It’s just a part of life, and it doesn’t have to be devastating.

So, what exactly is menopause?

In the US it’s officially just one day– the very last day of the very last menstrual cycle. Anything before that is perimenopausal, and anything officially after is postmenopausal. Unofficially, according to Jen Gunter (again), it’s “puberty in reverse,” when people who once ovulated can no longer ovulate. That means no more eggs. No more periods. No more chance of pregnancy no matter how many sperm may or may not swim their way through that canal.

Menopause can occur naturally, or it can be the result of surgery like a hysterectomy, or it can be the result of medical treatment like chemotherapy (That, my friends, is why I am 43 years old and haven’t had a period in 4 years). Symptoms of menopause can also occur when transfolx get on masculinizing hormones.

No period? Honestly, no complaints there from me. But what else? What are the symptoms?

So, sure. It’s not a walk in the park on a perfect sunny day. There are challenges that come with this transition. People may experience anywhere from none to all of these, each with its own spectrum of severity.

One more that a lot of people note that didn’t make it to this list for some reason is an increase in facial hair to go with the decrease in hair elsewhere. Society says this is when we start spending our paychecks on wigs and depilatories!

To be fair, a lot of these are temporary, lasting through perimenopause only, but others do stick around into postmenopause, and they do make themselves quite comfortable for the duration.

Difficulty with arousal
Decreased desire
Vaginal dryness
Thinner vaginal skin
Weight gain
Vaginal pain
Difficulty with orgasm
Decreased clitoral sensitivity

I know. None of this is making you feel any better yet, and we live an average of 30 more years after menopause. That’s a lot of life and a lot of sacrifice if you’re tempted to give up on sex and your sensuality because of an ageist lens and because it’s no longer as easy or automatic as it used to be, but look at it this way: I can’t effortlessly run in endless circles like I did on the playground as a kid. On top of that, because of menopause, I’m not even remotely close to the "athlete" (I use this term loosely) that I was just 5 years ago, but I still find joy in movement and exercise. I appreciate their benefits, and I plan to KEEP movement and exercise as part of my life. How they are part of my life is just different now and the changes are going to keep happening over the years to come. There’s some grief around that, and that’s ok.

Let’s look at that word GRIEF. We all know it doesn’t just apply to literal death. We experience all kinds of existential and ambiguous losses over the course of our lives, and the changing nature of our bodies and sex lives is one of them.

So, we can acknowledge that menopausal changes can be a big challenge and they do merit adjustment in how we approach sex, so let's bring this back around to having difficult, maybe awkward conversations with our partners.

What’s hard on one person is almost inevitably hard on the system. Without education, understanding, and communication, sensuality, intimacy, and relationships can and do fall apart, just like the Google searches implied.

One place we run into this is when we try to ignore or avoid our changing bodies and then neglect to communicate about those changes or that avoidance with our partner. Just like the stories so many of us may have heard or experienced where cishet women personalize the erectile dysfunction of their partner as something wrong or insufficient with themselves, those partners without an understanding of the changes that happen with menopause may likewise be tempted to perceive the lack of lubrication, lower desire, and maybe even pain during sex as a failure on their own part. Another version of that could be one, the other, or both partners believing the menopausal individual is just “broken.”

Without an informed, vulnerable conversation about what the body just simply does (IT’S NOT BROKEN), a wedge gets driven between people and desire is driven even further underground because of insecurity and stress. Not understanding our bodies, expecting them to function the same at 50 as they did at 25 does us all a disservice.

With education, understanding, and communication, on the other hand, we get to discover that we still can enjoy sex, sensuality, and physical intimacy into old age.

And this is when we start getting into the good news. Just reading this article means you are already addressing and looking to help other people address one of the hardest of what I see as three interlocking parts to cultivating a sex life with longevity: Communication needs. The other two parts are the tasks of addressing desire ( emotional ) changes and physical ( physiological ) changes.

Since we’ve knocked out communication already, let’s move on to the other two domains, starting with desire. It’s generally understood as emotionally wanting sex; not to be confused for arousal, which is the body’s physiological response to sex. Of course, ideally there’s going to be plenty of overlap between the two, but that doesn’t always happen, especially as we get older. This disconnect between arousal and desire is called arousal non-concordance , and it’s not just for old folks. In a nutshell, we can have desire without physical arousal, and we can also have physical arousal WITHOUT desire. Side note: that’s a really important fact when we start navigating the world of sexual trauma, but that’s a conversation for another day.

Things that negatively impact desire include (but aren’t necessarily limited to):

Aging (of course; that’s what we’re talking about today!)
Settled, stable relationships
Any number of “brakes”

Anybody surprised by stable relationships?

Emily Nagoski’s book, Come as You Are , describes our sexual nature through the concept of accelerator and brakes that are influenced by both external and internal experiences. External includes anything that could be going on in our life or around us, internal is all the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs ABOUT all the things that are going on in our life and around us AND about OURSELVES. As you might imagine, accelerator implies approach and brakes suggests slow down or stop.

All three of these things overlap. As we age we are more likely to settle into relationships, and as we age and settle into relationships we are also more likely to experience an increase in both our internally and externally influenced brakes. Job, kids, life expectations, ADULTING, body changes, values shifts, politics, etc.

While time management and work/life balance are definitely important when it comes to managing the brakes, and I definitely want you to keep that in mind when it comes to desire, we’re mostly going to focus on addressing the internally oriented stuff here. For starters, we live in a culture that tends to sexually value youth and devalue the older experience. Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age , offers this frame for appreciating and believing in our own sexiness at any age: Each day is the youngest we’ll ever be again, and besides, most of us were also pretty damn hard on ourselves in our 20s. A negative self-image has been documented as one of the biggest barriers to desire that ciswomen experience, and it’s no doubt problematic among other populations. In order to experience desire, we also have to believe we are desirable, just as we are… and with maybe a little optional leather, lace, and tassels.

There was a viral TikTok a while back. I can go down an embarrassingly long TikTok rabbit hole.

The original sound came from a guy asking someone on the street to rate themself from 1-10. People from both within and outside the conventional beauty standard borrowed that sound and made it their own. “I’m a 10.” Unflinching, beautifully bold and confident: I’M A TEN.

This clip is over 11 minutes long, and I recognize that these folx are mostly young and white and femme presenting, but it’s the only compilation clip I could find and I’m not tech savvy enough to make my own!

Every time my 76 year old mother (who is, of course, a stunning 10, mind you) starts bashing herself, I like to remind her of those videos, but I don’t think she appreciates the wind taken out of her self-deprecating humor sails. When I was relatively younger, any time someone would take a picture of us all, she’d tell my brother and me that one of us needed to pull on the skin on the back of her neck to give her a photographic “face lift.” These were the days before filters, you see. We also used to joke that it’s much better to lie about being older than younger as we age. If we say we’re younger, people are going to wonder what kind of tornado hit that made us look so raggedy at such a young age. If we say we’re older than we really are, we get to hear stunned remarks about how great and young we look. It’s funny, and I chuckle, but the underlying beliefs that we are unworthy and unattractive and definitely not sexy as we age are still damaging. So, fuck that. I’m a 10. You’re a 10. We’re all 10s!

I love those clips. They are a fabulous reminder to practice self love when the inner critic starts telling us we’re supposed to be younger, juicier, smoother, firmer, rounder, and wetter.

In addition to reminding us about our relative youth, the book Naked at Our Age also says that in order to maintain a satisfying intimate life into old age, we need two senses: “common sense and a sense of adventure.” These senses fit right in with our need to address communication, desire, and physical changes. And it occurs to me that these 2 senses are also not entirely distinct from one another. In a culture where the very topic of real sexual connection is taboo (insert cultural cognitive dissonance and double standards between cismen and everyone else here), the common sense concepts of believing in, prioritizing, and being intentional about our sexuality is a pretty radical, adventurous move.

So, our first radical, common sense strategy to experiencing desire is our own mind and body self care, recognizing and nurturing our own desirability. Take care of yourself. Listen to and take care of your body and your mind. I’m bringing body into this because your head is stuck to your body just like mine. Whatever is going on below the neck, there’s a mental/emotional impact. Whatever is going on above the neck, there’s a bodily impact. So, taking care of one can also help the other. While sex and exercise and nutrition could be a whole other presentation itself, suffice it to say that a healthy (enough) lifestyle and CONFIDENCE are related, contributing factors among those who report satisfying sex lives into old age.

Common sense says that if you want sex to be a part of your life, create a welcoming physical and emotional context for it. When sex and intimacy are at risk of being left behind despite a fundamental belief in their importance, maintaining them has to become a deliberate, mindful endeavor.

Part of taking care of our body and mind at every stage, and maintaining a connection to our sexual selves, becomes a matter of recognizing and accepting what doesn’t work anymore while also shifting focus to what can and does work (thank you, 63 year old Nina Hartley , for that bit) . We can accelerate. It just looks different, requires curiosity and patience, and we need to make sure we’re finding ways to ease up on the brakes.

One way to do that? Schedule your sexy time. Ew, what? Sex is supposed to be spontaneous! Scheduling makes it sound like an office meeting, like a duty or an obligation. Something that you check off your to-do list. Gross.

Scheduling opens opportunity to prioritize what we value– ourselves, our sensuality, our partner, their sensuality.

Esther Perel notes that “Unconditional love does not drive unconditional want” and we often “have smothered sizzle with affection, leaving it no way to ignite.”

In long term relationships, we can get really comfortable. On average it takes about 6 months to 3 years for that initial ripe, fertile ground for spontaneous desire for one another to more or less dry up. We start to take each other for granted to some extent, and that’s actually a good thing. I love knowing that my husband of 10 years and I still love each other when our breath stinks, we’re bloated, our noses are running, and there are dinner stains on our PJs that we haven’t changed out of in 3 days. It’s a different and secure kind of love than what we may have had in the past, and it’s definitely not sexy. At least not for us. We “have smothered sizzle with affection, leaving it no way to ignite.” We’re not going to get an itch for amazing spontaneous sex in this context (nor in the context of busy work days and all the other life brakes that we juggle from day to day), so if we’re going to invite sex into our relationship, we have to carve out time. We have to schedule. And I want you to check how you’re conceptualizing scheduling.

It could be 30 minutes.

– Babe, I’m going to take a shower and throw on that outfit that you like. How about we meet upstairs in 30 minutes?

It could be 10 days.

– Babe, as soon as I get this work project finished I want to make YOU my project. Let’s put the world on pause on (set the date and time and do what you need to do to make space for yourselves).

And when you meet upstairs or after the project is done, I invite you to also leave any expectations about what pleasure and sex SHOULD be at the door. Instead, adopt a curious, playful concept of what it IS in the present moment, right now (Well, not like NOW now, but on your sexy time date!)

Maybe this time it’s just cuddling and talking. Maybe this time it’s making out like teenagers at the movie theater in the 80s. Maybe it’s just caressing and observing and appreciating all the nuances of each other’s body. Or MAYBE this time it’s the most mind-blowing sexual experience you’ve ever had, complete with simultaneous, explosive, and multiple orgasms you’ve EVER had in ALL your life. Maybe it’s a little bit of all of it. My point is, the performative pressure we put on ourselves and our bodies, and the unrealistic expectations that we’ve internalized from both sexual myths and media don’t do us any favors , and actually create far more of a barrier to attuned, physiological, emotional, and orgasmic connection.

Use planned time for sex as an opportunity to build excitement and anticipation.

In the time between plan and action, flirt, love and support each other in meaningful ways, build the excitement and anticipation. It’s not that easy, though, we say. We can’t just push a button anymore and feel desire , and we’re right.

That’s one reason we leave our expectations at the door. Our purpose is to enjoy one another and create the context for pleasurable things to take place.

But also, if you’re not in the mood and you don’t WANT to be in the mood, that’s cool. Carry on. Not everyone wants sex and not everyone wants to want sex.

But, if sex IS something you want and IS something you want to want, an important thing to understand is that as we age arousal and desire more commonly follow action rather than the other way around. Our desire becomes more RESPONSIVE rather than spontaneous, so we have to cultivate the context for it. If we wish we were in the mood, we are tasked with doing something to GET in the mood and to lean into that responsive desire.

From there, that’s where the sense of adventure really gets to come out and play. Now that we’ve shown up to play and practiced radical acceptance that sex and desire don’t work like they did in our younger years or earlier in the relationship, we open space to be curious, adventurous, experimental, and COMMUNCATIVE about what works for us NOW. We get to explore this new era in our sexual development.

This adventure can be as vanilla or as spicy as we see fit. Old sex can’t be spicy? Puh-SHAH. Intimacy and sex get to be defined and redefined to the limits of our imaginations and can include (if we want) all kinds of additional resources. Once again, common sense and sense of adventure overlap. Common sense says to acknowledge your body’s changes; sense of adventure invites you to have fun with the tools and resources and supports at your disposal.

Modern times come with effective modern solutions to some age-old biological problems for the postmenopausal human. We experience decreased lubrication and dryness, decreased elasticity, thinner more fragile skin that’s more susceptible to tearing, increased potential for pain, and decreased clitoral sensitivity. Fortunately, the world we live in today offers us an array of genital moisturizers and personal lubricants that can be incorporated into self care routines and sexual play to help keep touch pleasurable and the skin of the vulva and vagina healthy.

It could take some trial and error to find a lube that you like, but it can be a game changer once you do. Additional tools can include pillows, props, swings and sex furniture, different positions, vibrators, floggers, feathers, and any number of other sexual aids to help find what works and what you like as the years advance and needs change. Another tool, but arguably a more challenging one to apply, is a reconceptualization of our definition of sex and intimacy. Like we mentioned earlier, pressure and expectations based on myths and youth don’t do us any favors. Curiosity, innovation, and that sense of adventure WILL. And, yes, I will be repeating these things today. Hi, my name is Broken Record.

We can also talk to our doctor, hopefully. If you can’t talk to your doctor about this stuff, I encourage you to find a new doctor. Our doctors should be able to advise about possible hormonal options and/or pelvic floor physical therapy. Vaginal dilators are also worth discussing to help vaginal musculature relax for folx who want and are struggling with penetrative sex.

Of course, age-old common-sense solutions to age-old problems also have their place. To encourage circulation and maintain sensitivity and muscle tone (in other words easier orgasm and capacity for pleasure), vaginal massage, clitoral stimulation, kegel exercises, and regular orgasm (with a partner or without) don’t necessarily require any kind of tools or professional assistance. Although, vibrators have been noted as highly useful for vulva owners to consistently and quickly achieve orgasm.

A Word on Numbing Cream

My mom didn’t talk about her own experience when I mentioned this research endeavor to her, but she did chuckle and tell me that someone else in our family was prescribed numbing cream to address her experience with painful sex. While her experience was probably 25+ years ago, it’s still not necessarily unheard of for people to receive this type of treatment. Talk to your doctor about what could work for you, but it may not be ideal because…

It can increase risk of tearing and injury (because you can't feel damage as it happens).
It doesn’t address the underlying cause/causes.
It limits pleasurable sensations also, not just painful sensations.
It could also impact partner sensation and pleasure.

BUT, it’s possible that using it AFTER could be helpful if there is residual pain or discomfort.

And What About Medications?

"Addressing the suspected underlying contributing factors for HSDD is often the best approach, focusing first on the factors that are particularly stressful to the woman."

- University of Colorado Ob-Gyn

Let it be known that I AM NOT A DOCTOR OR MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL . This is just information that I dug up from those that ARE medical professionals that have posted on the internet.

Bremelanotide (Vyleesi)

Injection as needed; no more than 8 doses a month or 1 dose in 24 hours
FDA approved for premenopausal female sexual interest/arousal disorder (FSAID)
Potential side effects: temporary high blood pressure, nausea, flushing, injection site reactions, headache, vomiting, gum and skin darkening (particularly in the face and the breasts)

Flibanserin (Addyi)

Daily pill at bedtime
FDA approved for premenopausal female sexual interest/arousal disorder (FSAID)
Additional studies indicate similar effectiveness and tolerance in postmenopausal study participants.
Potential side effects: dizziness, somnolence, nausea, fatigue, insomnia, dry mouth, and severe hypotension (low blood pressure) and syncope (loss of consciousness) when taken with alcohol (and other contraindicated medications)

"to date, the observed effects of flibanserin and other new drugs seem limited in terms of clinical significance" (Both, 2017)

Off Label Medications

“All medication options require monitoring of the patient, as risk assessments of these off-label drugs for HSSD patients has not been fully explored.” - University of Colorado Ob-Gyn

Testosterone
Bupropion
Buspirone

Again, TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR. It may or may not work, and the side effects may not be worth it.

To sum up, with education, radical acceptance, and bold communication– with our common sense and our sense of adventure– we get to reconceptualize what it means to be sexy and to have intimacy. We get to remain open to our desirability and desire, our sensuality, and our pleasure. If you want a sexual life as you age (it’s fair to say that not everyone does), set yourself up for it. Invite it in, deliberately, patiently, and with curiosity, kindness, and joy. You’re still a 10.

Resource link

Getting Unstuck

Wed, 23 Feb 2022 20:24:41 GMT

9 nervous system strategies to get you up from your funk or down from your angst .

I've spent the past few weeks hitting a wall on how to introduce this list. Lists are supposed to make things easy and digestible, right? Isn't that the whole point of blogs like this? Sure, but I can't just fling a list out there without some kind of explanation, right ? Here, we find my dilemma: Too little information inspires me to take a deep dive into all the cool information about functional integration of the different parts of the brain, and wow... too deep, too much, and definitely NOT easy or digestible on a quick snack break. So, I shut down and the post just sits in drafts. Wait, what?

I. Shut. Down.

Oh! I shut down! THIS is what this post is about. It's about regulating our autonomic nervous system when we get either overly anxious (or angry or otherwise stuck or activated in high gear) OR when we shut down, numb out, and get stuck in a funk. And, like I said, I've been shutting down every time I've sat down to write because, why? Because I've gotten overwhelmed about how to present this amazingly rad (does anyone still say rad anymore?) and helpful stuff to the world. Of course, my example experience here is small (like microscopic) potatoes compared to a nervous system response in the context of more significant stressors and trauma, but it still serves our purpose.

So, here you go. This is a list of some options for self-soothing via the autonomic nervous system. These strategies, especially if used routinely, can be utilized to help down-regulate an overactive sympathetic nervous system response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn; anger/anxiety/reactivity) as well as up-regulate from a parasympathetic shutdown (numbness/collapse/exhaustion) if/when either one outlives or is out of proportion with its function.

**You'll notice reference to the vagus nerve in a lot of these strategies. That's because it has been suggested that the vagus is a primary "component of the parasympathetic branch of the nervous system... the architect of saf ety." Update: It is relevant to note that there is also plenty of controversy around Polyvagal Theory, the notion of a phylogenetic hierarchy of the vagal system, and potential overemphasis on the role of the vagus nerve in our stress response. With that in mind, I hope to simply reiterate that these are presented as potentially helpful tools, rather than cure-alls.

Cold stimulation can help decrease an overactive sympathetic response and increase "rest and digest" parasympathetic activity by slowing down breathing and heart rate. Strategy: Dip your face in a large bowl of ice water for 10-15 seconds for several rounds (taking a good, controlled breath between rounds!), until your nervous system has settled. This method simulates the "dive reflex" to conserve energy, thereby shutting down or limiting energy-heavy sympathetic anxiety. Evidence also shows improved heart rate variability via rounds of cold stimulation to the lateral neck region.
Humming/singing/chanting (or even gargling!) naturally slows and controls breathing, which sends a signal of safety to brain. Muscles used that are situated in the back of the throat are connected to the vagus nerve, thereby increasing vagal activity to stimulate a parasympathetic response, deactivating threat-detecting structures in the sympathetic nervous system.
Laughter : Similar to humming, singing, and chanting, laughter changes the cadence of your breathing in a soothing way, and studies have indicated that it also has potential to reduce long-term anxiety symptoms. So pop on your favorite comedy, tell yourself your favorite joke, or find your favorite animal/baby/blooper videos and get to cackling, chuckling, giggling, and chortling.
Mindfulness practice/meditation helps integrate different regions of the brain, allowing older and newer structures to communicate more effectively for better emotional regulation and grounding, as well as a clearer sense of self. Integration of the left and right hemispheres through bilateral stimulation, balance practices, and even visualization, has also been implicated in improved neuroplasticity, connectivity, and efficiency of brain functions including but not limited to emotional regulation, attention, and creativity.
Attuning with others/co-regulation : Biologically, we are wired for interdependence and community, so even taking a moment to think about loved ones--those with whom you feel safe, seen, understood, soothed, and secure-- can invite a parasympathetic response. If you aren't able to identify safe humans in your life right now, cherished pets (mammals in particular) can also initiate a sense of calm and safety.
Hugging: See attuning, and add oxytocin, which is also known as the "love hormone" that is released in the context of positive social interaction and/or safe, nurturing, consensual touch.
Breathing exercises : Diaphragmatic (slow, deep) breathing has been utilized for millennia and has been proven to be an effective tool for stimulating the vagus nerve, increasing heart rate variability, and regulating the sympathetic stress response. CAVEAT: It has also been argued that for some individuals who are not yet accustomed to relaxing the diaphragm, diving into deep breathing exercises may actually trigger an increased sympathetic response. So, start slowly by simply noticing the rise and fall of your chest and/or stomach; from there you may choose to simply follow your breath, passively observing it without forcing anything.
Eye movement exercises. The intention is to release suboccipital muscles which may compress the vagus nerve, thereby limiting vagal activity.
Neck stretches with opposite gaze: Looking straight ahead, gently pull your head to the right (don't strain), then shift only your eyes to the left and up. Hold for about 60 seconds; a sigh or a swallow may indicate release. Switch sides and repeat with head to the left, eyes to the right and up.
Chair twist with gaze behind you: Sitting up straight in a chair, legs uncrossed, use either your own thigh or the chair to gently twist your upper body and turn your head and shift your eyes to gaze behind you. Switch sides and repeat.
Oculocardiac convergence: Hold a pencil or small object about 4 to 6 inches in front of your face. Allow your eyes to focus on this object for about 20 to 30 seconds. Shift your focus to look off in the distance for about 20 to 30 seconds. Continue back and forth for about 4 cycles and then softly relax your eyes.
Ear massage , including gentle tugs, to connect with the upper part of the vagus nerve.

Go forth and be regulated! And, if you're having a hard time, you're not alone, and there are helpful resources out there. I'm one of them! Or, if you already know me or I'm not the right fit for you, you can always shop around via Psychology Today , Therapy Den , or Inclusive Therapists . Life isn't always easy, and neither is emotional and response regulation.

Mama Says...

Mon, 10 Jan 2022 14:23:38 GMT

Should you really have skulls in your office?

Who Are You in Stillness?

Fri, 31 Dec 2021 22:06:42 GMT

TikTok made me do it.

The notion of "productivity" has frequently popped up as a theme in my counseling practice. Suicidal ideation, body image, and fitness also drop in repeatedly. Of course, there are plenty of other themes, and I'm compelled to add that each individual's experience WITHIN various themes is still infinitely unique. Nobody fits into a tidy little box of experience and personhood. Now... TikTok.

Slides down the TikTok rabbit hole can keep me plugged into my phone for an arguably laughable amount of time, but whatever. While any aspect of social media can have its dark side, it can also be entertaining, informative, funny, interesting, and thought-provoking. The latter is what comes to mind as I've stumbled across a recent trend of people working out, with a statement along the lines of: "I don't train to be strong or to look good. I train so I don't kill myself ."

First of all, I'm down with some dark humor, don't get me wrong. Second, fitness and movement can absolutely be effective tools in anyone's coping, self-care, and self-regulatory toolkit, and I 100%, whole-heartedly encourage it. Third, this trend still compelled me to get on here and start clicking away at this blog.

So many of us live with expectations of go hard, work harder, and "be productive" or else some nagging part of us, big or small, is going to tell us we're not worth the air we breathe and the space we occupy and the love we want. The TikTok videos I mention specify fitness to keep dark, suicidal, nagging, and negative thoughts away, but the fixations can be pretty much anything: work, school, kids, extracurriculars, fitness, friends, family, parties... and all of it frequently filtered and posted to social media like heavy merit badges of being busy busy busy. The more we do, the faster we spin, the harder we go, the more worthy we lean into believing we are, the more value we convince ourselves we will someday earn, or, more to the point here, the further we imagine we get from our own darkness, pain, and vulnerability. We spin like tops, afraid to slow down, afraid of stillness, avoiding quiet and a clear glance inward. Our compulsive spinning distracts us and provides a mask so we don't have to see the things we don't want to look at. We keep spinning, while all too often, fear and shame still sit nestled in the eye of our storm, waiting for our inevitable encounter with life's speed bumps.

You might have just rolled your eyes at me, so please allow me to clarify. It's entirely possible that you simply have a lot of interests and find yourself enthusiastically participating in all the things life has to offer-- or one thing extensively, and it's strictly enriching your life with no down sides or hidden costs. If that's the case, fantastic! I guess the question, then, might also be: Who are you in boredom? Are you worthy of love and affection when you're not on the go? Of pride? Of respect? Are you worthy, period? Are you enough? Are you emotionally safe (and does your nervous system know that)? If you found yourself forced into stillness--maybe through injury, illness, an aging body, job loss, or any other factor--how might you answer these questions?

LIVE-FAST-DIE-YOUNG-FEEL-NO-PAIN and I'LL-SLEEP-WHEN-I'M DEAD may sound exciting, with this notion peppered through songs and such for decades. While it can make for arguably decent entertainment, we could dissect this load of glamorized shit extensively, but I'll try to keep this part brief. Our bodies literally need sleep and rest. Regardless of what we do we're going to feel some degree of pain. Living perpetually fast won't necessarily lead to an early finish line, and it's even less likely to lead to a painless one.

What if we allow ourselves to slow down? What if we are entitled to some stillness? What if we could learn to settle into our own skin? I can sense some of your eyes rolling (again) all the way through the internet as you read this. I know: What the hell is this crunchy hippie psychobabble garbage? Necessary. That's what it is. And, it's science (I'll get to this below). I'm not asking you to douse yourself in essential oils or sit naked on your lawn under the glow of a full moon to ground your root chakra or whatever, but if that's your thing, have at it--just not my scope of practice. I'm encouraging you to reflect, cut yourself some slack, and work to face any potential landmines of shame and fear and doubt so you can diffuse them. We can't go hard all the time and not expect it to catch up to us. Something will inevitably give, and my hope is that a screeching halt won't catch you off guard, with a painful collide into all the things you've been avoiding. I've seen it time and again, especially through my work in skilled nursing facilities-- residents of all ages, contending with their unsorted, distorted thoughts, fears, shame, and doubt, while simultaneously navigating physical health complications and new realities. All of this can be addressed at any point in our life; why not get a head start?

How is all this squishy, emotional, let's all look inside ourselves and find peace stuff science, you ask? Let's look at the parasympathetic and sympathetic branches of our autonomic nervous system. The parasympathetic branch, often referred to as the branch responsible for rest and digest, plays a crucial role in regulating our heart rate, blood pressure, stress response, and digestion. This branch acts in concert with the sympathetic branch of the nervous system, our fight or flight response, keeping our nervous system in check with a functional flow between the systems. In fight or flight, blood flow to the gut is restricted while blood flow to the heart and muscles is increased in order to better facilitate fighting or fleeing in service of survival. Once a perceived threat has passed or been managed, we need our parasympathetic branch to pump the breaks to bring our heart rate back down so we can re-experience calm and safety so we can rest and digest.

When we are constantly on the go, chronically avoiding uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, functioning in patterns of distorted thinking, and channeling all that nervous energy into constant and/or intense activity (whatever that may look like), we're stuck in a sympathetic response to life. We're stuck in some degree of fight or flight. My friends, this response is not sustainable, and I'm not just talking about the irritability, anxiety, or depression catching up to us and wreaking havoc on our emotional and social existence, as if that's not enough. I'm not just talking about the whole system shutdown that can happen, having us play dead in a state of physical and emotional collapse because we got too flooded in sympathetic. I'm also talking about the physical health implications related to our heart, digestive systems, and beyond that can happen as a result of a chronically disregulated system. Your head is stuck to your body, just like mine. The science confirms that whatever is going on emotionally can have a physical manifestation, and, likewise, whatever is going on physically can have an emotional impact, for better or worse.

The science also confirms that we have some control in finding that balance. For starters, we simply can't address the things we're not willing to look at (like shame), so I encourage you to slow down every now and again and ask yourself, who are you in stillness? What is important to you? What brings you peace? What brings you joy? What centers you? What helps you feel seen, safe, and connected? **For my trauma survivors, this does NOT imply an expectation of re-experiencing trauma.**

Here's a little activity for you to get the ball rolling: I encourage you to do a values inventory for yourself. Go through this list from Brene Brown's website (or some other list; none will be exhaustive), crossing off values in favor of other values that resonate more with you. Do this two by two, trying to narrow it down to 5 or fewer. If you can make down it to one value "to rule them all" (Lord of the Rings nerd alert), congrats and you win the high five, the gold medal, the blue ribbon, AND the hypothetical trophy. Once you have a few core values, consider how you might be living your life congruently or incongruently with them. What do you notice? Who are you at that center? How does that you show up in the world? How would you like that you to show up in the world?

Values.pdf (brenebrown.com)

If you can't find this quiet place yet, or if you, like so many others, find that it's filled with fear, shame, anger, doubt, emptiness, or some other seemingly unbearable discomfort right now, it's worth mentioning that it's not at all unheard of to have a nervous system that has become wired to actually distrust and feel really uncomfortable when faced with calm and stillness. I encourage you to reach out. You know how to find me, and if I'm not the one, there are plenty of therapists and other helping professionals and community members out there who could be. Get connected, and know that you are not alone.

Is Intuition Really Worth the Hype?

Thu, 02 Sep 2021 13:56:59 GMT

"Most students and professors have long believed that, when in doubt, test-takers should stick with their first answers and 'go with their gut.' But data show that test-takers are more than twice as likely to change an incorrect answer to a correct one than vice versa."

- The Invisible Gorilla: And Other Ways Our Intuitions Deceive Us

Common therapeutic advice and self-help books abound with encouragement to follow our intuition. Often we do, happily. But, what if it's not that simple? What if my intuition really isn't all that trustworthy? What if my intuition might be wrong?

Gasp! No! WHAT??

I get it. I'm no stranger to relying heavily on intuition for anything from deciding which way to turn when I've been lost, who I've befriended or gotten involved with romantically, or even how much salt I've added to a pot of beans or what I've decided to watch on Netflix. So many decisions and behaviors are made on this gut feeling. Some have been good or at least generally harmless, others not so much. But enough about me. This is about all of us.

Why do we rely so much on intuition? How does it serve us? How does it hold us back? Were we born with it? Do we develop it? How?

In reading up on this gut-feeling, intuition thing, I came across an example of snakes. It has been suggested that we are naturally afraid of snakes, arguing that our intuition is an organic aspect of our functioning to keep us safe. I agree that we effectively utilize appropriate fear to keep ourselves safe, and humans tend to fear things we don't know or understand, but I'd argue that this fear of snakes is not something we simply have without any external factors to consider. What if, instead, it's internalized via learning and experience? It is safety knowledge that is passed down from human to human or maybe even learned from some unfortunate experience with snakes (yikes and ouch). Have you SEEN babies in action? So many seem literally fearless until they internalize healthy and appropriate fears and boundaries, prior to which they spend their days leading sleep-deprived, panicked parents on various near-miss adventures involving steep drops, sharp objects, electrical outlets, and an endless assortment of things that any rational creature would never, ever put in their mouth. Prior to learning that some snakes are scary and dangerous, I am relatively confident that at least a few tots would gleefully crawl right into the pit of danger noodles from Indiana Jones like it was the ball pit at Chuck-E-Cheese. But nope. The door to the household snake pit has been baby-proofed, just like child locks have been put on all the cupboards, and knives and scissors and razor blades and medications are all out of reach.

Don't get me wrong. I'm all about tapping into our wise minds, which I distinguish from intuition. What I call intuition is a legitimate and imperative part of human functioning. Our brains need autopilot, lest we exhaustingly dissect every aspect of each and every millisecond of our being. I simply encourage a little bit of mindful examination over blind and blanketed trust, given that it is also a developed thing. A learned thing, heavily influenced by life experience. Intuition is our implicit memory, housed in the deepest parts of our nervous system. As such, we can recognize that its development was in service to our existence in the time of its development; all intuition starts out as adaptive. And, when we take it out of its developmental context, it's not uncommon to find that it has outlived its original function, and it ends up being an underlying contributor to depression, anxiety, anger, relationship problems, and general challenges with wellbeing. The intuition (which I think we can safely call a nervous system response at this point) we develop in the context of unhealthy, irrational, overly sheltered, and/or traumatic environments to keep us as safe as possible in those particular contexts, can be the exact same intuition that holds us back or creates problems in the larger life context. For example, our brain might interpret the familiar as safe when it's not, or our nervous system might be primed to sense danger even when there's none. As you might imagine, neither one of these situations will lead to optimal, healthy life-engagement.

So, what do we do? We look at our life satisfaction and where and why it might be falling short. As needed, we examine our beliefs about ourselves, others, and the world. We assess our felt sense, as well as our reactions and behaviors, our decisions, and our interpretation of events. We examine evidence that can confirm or disprove the messages our feelings are sending. Have we internalized doubt in ourselves or to believe in ourselves unconditionally? Have we been taught to believe that we cannot rely on or trust anyone, and that people will hurt us and trust is a weakness? Or have we learned that everyone is trustworthy and surely has our best interests in mind? Do we operate with blind optimism, or chronic catastrophizing? Either extreme related to any of these questions, and plenty more, could create challenges for ourselves and society. As individuals, unexamined and distorted intuition impacts relationships, behaviors, choices, boundaries, health, and well being. As a society, it has the potential to create and perpetuate harmful, irrational social fears and stereotypes, which in turn also significantly impact each of us as individuals, families, and communities. Our nervous systems don't always have their facts aligned with current conditions. When taken out of its original context, our intuition has the potential to be dead wrong.

So, to reiterate the question, what do we do? We examine our intuition, we slow down, and we re-orient to it so that we can utilize it as a flexible, fluid, healthy aspect of our functioning, developed through integration of evidence and safety into a mindful experience. We do some work and we fine tune the functioning of our nervous system so that we can navigate ourselves and our world with insight and wellness.

The Wave

Thu, 26 Aug 2021 13:35:09 GMT

Living in Texas, and driving in Austin traffic, I've learned to appreciate "the wave."

We wave when we drive by folks on a minimally driven country road. We wave when we pass our neighbors. We wave when someone lets us through on a narrow road, and we wave when someone lets us merge or change lanes. I love the wave, it makes me happy to both give and receive it, and I try to practice it dutifully.

Living in Texas, and driving in Austin traffic, I've also become familiar with my place on the road rage spectrum, as well as the places of others when my driving has been arguably subpar.

Recently, I tried to merge into traffic, and a fellow driver did a thing. It's that thing that people do when they see a blinker, but they don't want to let you in. They speed up and tailgate the person in front of them to block your merge. Yeah, that thing. I wasn't yelling obscenities or white-knuckling my steering wheel or anything, but I was laser focused on that car that was now in front of me who had the douchebag audacity to block my merge. I totally forgot about the car behind me, with the driver that graciously and patiently DID let me in.

I didn't wave. In that moment, with my sympathetic nervous system activated to fight, I forgot about the good in the world. I couldn’t see it. I only saw what annoyed me, and what my nervous system perceived as a threat. A moment later, when I remembered the people behind me, I waved (maybe too late), my irritation was diffused, and balance was restored in my little world.

Some moments take longer to when it comes to deactivating that automatic fight/flight response, and it’s worth practicing ways to bring it down when it feels stuck. As minor as this event is in the grand scheme of things, my nervous system response from the oldest, most survival-oriented parts of my brain led to a compromise of my values. For that moment I wasn’t the me that I identify with. I lost focus on a small kindness that was given to me along with the little good thing I enjoy doing in the world to make it a better place (because small kindnesses DO have a ripple effect).

Imagine what this looks like with true and pervasive rage; with distrust rooted in trauma or human needs chronically going unmet. Imagine the disconnect between the self, values, and the ability to experience good in the world. Maybe this is you, or maybe it’s the experience of someone you love. There are tools and support that can help. I see you, and I’m waving.

Garden Space Counseling, the Why

Sun, 18 Jul 2021 15:33:48 GMT

Why garden space?

I didn’t grow up gardening, but I did grow up playing in dirt and with a deep and abiding love of food; not even good food, necessarily. If I’m being honest, I created and indeed ate some atrocities. While I still can’t claim to have a refined palate, it does stand to reason that, as an adult, I have an appreciation for combining my love of dirt and food. It’s play, growth, and sustenance for the mind and body. It’s challenging, rewarding, symbolic, and therapeutic. Like, for real therapeutic; ask science. Or, keep reading. Or, just scroll past my anecdotal thoughts, and then start reading for the researchy stuff.

Gardening is also hard. Have you ever tried it? There’s so much experimentation and failure, and try and try again involved. Weeds, epic bug battles (gardener v bugs; good bugs v evil bugs; birds, squirrels, deer, mice, and all the other varmints with a taste for pretty much all the things you want to grow), water issues, sun issues, climate issues, and if you’re lucky, a whole lot of bullshit... erm... fertilizer. You see, great things can grow out of a giant pile of... well, yeah, that. So, gardening is pretty freaking amazing. That one first runt of a grape, pepper, or tomato that survives and makes it into your face hole after years of trial and error tastes like decadence and validation and empowerment, defined.

Yes, I just said years, but then you realize there is a literal world of information out there: books, articles, YouTube videos, Facebook groups, workshops, consultants, Instagram, TikTok, neighbors, garden store clerks, and friends. Sure, you can figure it out alone, cycle after cycle, but what if you tap into your resources? What if you connect with your community? Imagine what could happen if you could stop winging it! Will you still have mistakes and failures? Yup. Will there still be seasons when you do everything “perfectly” that’s in your power and still have problems? Sure. So, what’s different? I’ll tell you: Your insight, your turnaround, your recovery, your ability to recognize your progress and successes, and your confidence (and excitement) for the next season. I'm compelled to add that, as I write this, I’m watching through my window as fugitive chickens demolish an edible flower bed and adolescent corn stalks. I wonder if I have enough room in my freezer for leftovers if I make a vat of soup tonight.

Have I mentioned yet that gardening is a tool for learning stress management, mindfulness, patience, and resilience? Deep breath.... Center.... I guess the chickens will live to tell the tale, the garden bed can be replanted next season, and I’ll still get fresh eggs. Sigh. Gardening is perspective, beauty, humility, and celebration.

Your garden, your life. What do you want to cultivate?

The Science!

Anecdotally, gardening as therapeutic obviously really resonates, but then we look further, and we find... what's that?... is it a bird? A plane? NO, IT'S RESEARCH!

Every article I found, including the ones I have cited here, had similar conclusions that some combination of plants, dirt, and all the other variables of nature and growing things result in a variety of positive health outcomes. Decreases in depression, anxiety, and anger are noteworthy, as are increases in general life satisfaction and quality, cognitive function, and meaningful social and community connections (1, 2, 3, 4).

Quite succinctly, Soga, Gaston, and Yamaura (1) note, “A regular dose of gardening can improve public health.” Through their meta-analysis, including studies specifically addressing horticultural therapy, it was "observed that improvement of patients' health... persisted at 3-months' follow up after the therapy, indicating that gardening has a persisting influence on health.” So, it doesn't just alleviate stress in the moment, it's also a preventative measure! Whoa. Love this. Even just observing nature or having images of nature around are said to have beneficial effects. According to an analysis of research by Thompson (2), there's a Japanese study that indicated that feasting your eyes upon plants actually altered EEG recordings, showing literal brain activity evidence of nature's capacity to quiet our minds, in addition to the more overt physical benefits of lowered blood pressure and muscle relaxation. Thompson's research also found that residents of a prison in Michigan who had a view of the countryside from their cells were less likely to utilize medical services than their counterparts who had to stare at the prison courtyard. Yay, nature!

Let's break this down to bullet points, because who doesn't love the digestibility of a list?

Gardening can help regulate mood.
Gardening can help prevent disproportionate stress responses.
Gardening can help regulate pulse, blood pressure, and muscle tension.
Gardening can help people get daily physical activity (which could be a whole blog post all by itself!).
Gardening can contribute to a sense of community cohesion, support, trust, and opportunity. I know; you're independent and introverted, but humans are biologically wired for connection for wellness and survival, so at least a little bit of this is important! Also, in the community setting, it gives you something to talk about and to do if you feel awkward.
Gardening can help people vary their dietary lifestyle (especially in food deserts), and help people have a sense of ownership, accomplishment, acceptance, and enjoyment of healthy foods. So, you get to feed your face. Your survival points for the zombie apocalypse just skyrocketed.
According to an article by Ben Spencer from the Daily Mail, May 15, 2015, it has been "found that children are five times more likely to eat salad when they have grown it themselves." I don't see why some of that same rationale couldn't be applied to adults!

Finally (and I love this so much in a world where SO MUCH unfortunately depends on who we are), the benefits of playing in the dirt, trying to grow things, and being around nature aren't exclusive. No snobbery or corrupt systems here, people. Your socioeconomic standing, your gender, sex, race, color, religion, history of gardening or not gardening, and even personal interest in gardening (!) are all irrelevant when it comes to reaping its wellness rewards (1, 3, 5).

And all of that, good reader, from top to bottom, from anecdote and analogy to science, is why this practice is Garden Space Counseling.

1. Soga, M., Gaston, K. J., & Yamaura, Y. (2016). Gardening is beneficial for health: A meta-analysis. Preventive medicine reports, 5, 92–99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pmedr.2016.11.007

2. Thompson R. (2018). Gardening for health: a regular dose of gardening. Clinical medicine (London, England), 18(3), 201–205. https://doi.org/10.7861/clinmedicine.18-3-201

3. Harris, Holly (2017) The social dimensions of therapeutic horticulture. Health & Social Care in the Community, 25 (4). pp. 1328-1336. ISSN 0966-0410.

4. Spano G, D'Este M, Giannico V, et al. Are Community Gardening and Horticultural Interventions Beneficial for Psychosocial Well-Being? A Meta-Analysis. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. 2020 May;17(10). DOI: 10.3390/ijerph17103584.

5. Howarth M, Brettle A, Hardman M, et al. What is the evidence for the impact of gardens and gardening on health and well-being: a scoping review and evidence-based logic model to guide healthcare strategy decision making on the use of gardening approaches as a social prescription. BMJ Open 2020;10:e036923. doi:10.1136/ bmjopen-2020-036923